“For R. Hanina b. Papa made the following exposition: The name of the angel who is in charge of conception is (Layla)’Night', and it takes up a drop and places it in the presence of the Holy One, blessed be He, saying, 'Sovereign of the universe, what shall be the fate of this drop? Shall it produce a strong man or a weak man, a wise man or a fool, a rich man or a poor man?”
Talmud, Niddah 16b
In my mother’s womb
I “learned” of her travails, felt her anguish,
She (as Layla) “taught” me everything she had suffered,
I could even see מסוף עולם עד סוף עולם
From that lamp she placed on my head [1]
(which explains my infant frowns in all those black and white fotos)
Having seen too much (in utero).
And this childhood existential fear and nocturnal panics,
Begging my father at bedtime
“please leave the door open a sliver to allow just a little light”
for fear of those demons of the night even through to teenage.
The sensing of death even then, reflecting a (hitherto undescribed)
epigenetic haunting from my survivor dad.
Layla had introduced me to the devotional arts
and spiritual feelings as I was
moved by the starry summer night
(by the Brook near Holders Hill Road)
the immensity of the myriad lights in the heaven
and my sense of insignificance before this infinity.
Or introduced me (thank you Mrs Lunzer)
to the oceanic feeling that comes from music.
(the Brandenburgs at 14).
But adolescence brought a different angel (Lillith) to my door,
Driving my lust for bodily cravings, triggered by specific images.
Walking up Hendon Avenue to Finchley lane
to catch the 240 double-decker bus,
Seeing in the stationer’s shop window
magazines with covers of lewd pictures, for
schoolboys like me (and dirty old men),
their beckoning looks as if paradise was to
be found within its pages.
Visiting Uncle Emil (Dachau survivor) who kept naughty magazines
under the cushion of his lounge chair, secretly sharing them with me
when we were alone, or my older cousin Jeanette
who toyed with me, leaving images of her cleavage
to taunt me at night.
Caught between these two angels
but not realizing anything more than my being
torn between the religious fervor and lustful guilt,
the struggle to live a single life
without this see-saw emotional cost, began.
Later, much later, after the white knuckling and Mussar,
the attempts to conquer the evil inclination failed,
and the “schizofrumkeit” founded on this duality:
attracted to the divine, the devotions, the praxis,
the study and prayer, the pilgrimages to קברי צדיקים,
the Apollonian vision,
Even the crushes of platonic love for the ideal (Sargon) women,
allured by their purity and innocence,
Yet simultaneously or soon after,
triggered by a female image, too much skin or a
gesture, a feeling of being real in the body,
feeling the skin tingle and the heart
pulsate and the loins heat up,
as passion and lust arose in this Dionysian phase,
courtesy of Lillith, followed by the
inevitable crushing guilt that only adolescents
can describe fully.
It was much later that in discovering the feminine divine
in the notion of a living
Schechina and seeing Schechina consciousness
as a deeper sensitivity to the hidden
aspects of the mysteries of Torah,
did I find these two aspects of Her as manifest in
our two angels.
My connection to Schechina led me to these two archetypes
of the virgin goddess and the whore,
Layla and Lillith, both of whom I had, in effect,
been worshipping all along.
They represented Her light and dark elements and
needed attention and devotion.
I sensed an enormous relief from this discovery
without any suggestion that I was finding an excuse for bad behavior.
It was not an ethical decision, rather I felt that I was being shaped
by these two archetypes unconsciously,
before I even knew what these feelings meant.
She provided relief giving expression to my deepest yearnings
to return to my cosmic mother without regressing
to infantile or pathological behaviors.
The oceanic feelings from both the body in passion
as well as spirit in music and poetry
fed from the same deep well .באר של מרים
She demanded devotion and suffered rage
Herself at times, (at times genocidal)
when dis-connected from her consort-
driving me insane all the while, with her
suffering reflected in my addictions to the flesh.
Worshipping at her altar I could finally find relief
in validating the split within me,
Layla and Lillith reflecting Her split Self,
and through them I was being taught the
need for integrating both archetypes within my soul.
And in my grief for the loss of my temporal mother,
I have lost much more than my earthly mother,
more than her overpowering presence in my life,
forcing me to achieve evermore for her sake and never allowing
myself the luxury of resting, for fear of wasting a moment,
more than this demanding paradoxical woman who made
even more demands on herself until the end, who drove me
as a needy child with her conditional love, her irrational rage, and her
superhuman demand for excellence and self-improvement.
I realize that I am bereft of the very incarnation of the Schechina
in my mother, the only bodily presence of Her,
kissing me in the end, holding my hand, and asking
when will I return to visit before I had even left.
I am bereft of my Layla (for who else held me in her womb
teaching me if not my mother?) Who promised me just
before birth she would revisit me before I left this world
to see whether I had followed her advice in living a good life,
a worthy life, and ethical life, and bereft of my Lillith
who drove me crazy when younger to experience her nocturnal
pleasures (succubus) and fantasies.
In my grief I must now learn to internalize her once physical presence,
her kiss and her touch, her long slender violin fingers,
her dark sephardic (Sargon) beauty, remembering
in the heart only the way Schechina was incarnated in her so fully,
and how she is now free from the earthly body of pain,
aging, fractures, dyspnea, transfusions and final illness.
We are given limited time (which accelerates with age) on earth
in this incarnation, and I am puzzled why we learn often too late.
Why it takes decades to gain wisdom, understanding and experience in living,
parenting, mentoring, doctoring,
only to leave it to the next generation to begin all over again.
And now I must learn something new,
to bring all this into the heart of pain and
loss, without her/Her to welcome me again,
her arms outstretched, her cheek so
soft, few wrinkles, her hand holding mine,
with no earthly manifestation of Layla/Lillith
to guide me, in my heart and loins,
the dance between Apollo and
Dionysius.
I am saying the mourner’s kaddish for Mum,
for my lost soul and for the Schechina
herself, who has lost a (Sargon) princess,
who bore me and provided me these two
angels who would guide me for better and for worse.
“When the time arrives for man to quit this world, the same angel appears and asks him, "Dost thou recognize me?" And man replies, "Yes; but why dost thou come to me to-day, and thou didst come on no other day?" The angel says,"To take thee away from the world, for the time of thy departure has arrived." Then man falls to weeping, and his voice penetrates to all ends of the world, yet no creature hears his voice, except the cock alone. Man remonstrates with the angel,"From two worlds thou didst take me, and into this world thou didst bring me." But the angel reminds him: "Did I not tell thee that thou wert formed against thy will, and thou wouldst be born against thy will, and against thy will thou wouldst die? And against thy will thou wilt have to give account and reckoning of thyself before the Holy One, blessed be He.” [2]
[1] R. delivered the following discourse: What does an embryo resemble when it is in the bowels of its mother? Folded writing tablets. Its hands rest on its two temples respectively, its two elbows on its two legs and its two heels against its buttocks. Its head lies between its knees, its mouth is closed and its navel is open, and it eats what its mother eats and drinks what its mother drinks, but produces no excrements because otherwise it might kill its mother. As soon, however, as it sees the light58 the closed organ opens and the open one closes, for if that had not happened the embryo could not live even one single hour. A light burns above its head and it looks and sees from one end of the world to the other, as it is said, “then his lamp shined above my head, and by His light I walked through darkness” Job XXIX, 2. Talmud Niddah 30b
