Loss
Slowly the awareness of the post period
That space in time after
The aporia
Returning to normality but
It cannot be the same.
Funny how the inner spirit has its own time and periodicity
My 90 days of abstinence for instance
Did Not coincide with Elul and Teshuva neatly.
In the absence of Uman
The fall comes quickly
What was it about that pilgrimage?
Just the trip and the obstacles?
Just the suffering of the place?
Was that what helped?
Anyway this year I remained
Locked into my pain
My chest and ribs the arbiter of no-journey
And the fall came quickly.
Trying not to condemn right now
Trying to see the light within
As divine
And the importance of listening to this inner voice
Over that of authority
Didn't I always have this problem with authority!
Where to go now?
Don't I still need those tools that helped me in the past?
Breslov, recovery, analysis?
The trinity of spiritual aids?
Or do I need a new therapy now
To help me through this post trauma?
Some new abstraction
Seeing the divine in the pain and wound itself
Gives one a new authority
A new way of seeing the world
In the body of pain.
