Behind the Body In Pain

Behind the body in pain

Behind the swirling thoughts

As to where, why, and what

The future, the past, and survival

Beyond the bed and the paralysis

The body in pain

Beyond even that

I felt a presence

An inner spirit behind all that

Present to whatever was taking place

A sense of awe

Despite

And this spirit was not "out there"

No, it was within.

Since then I have acquired a new authority

Not in any material sense

Nor even that of power

Morality or hierarchy

Merely an inner authority

As if I wish to be present to that place

And in contact with that spirit

I had never known before.

The Godliness within you may call it

Divine immanence

"memale kol almin"

But I fell into the trap

Thinking that now these new spiritual credentials

Would allow me off the hook

Free now of the things of this world

Free of all addictions to work and love and objects out

there

But the evil one is there too

Waiting for moments of weakness as usual

Waiting to jump in at a moment's notice

To trip me up yet again.

So here after the fall

The post trauma fall

I am vaulted into reality once again

I have not changed essentially

The old ruminations and obsessions can return at anytime

The grandiosity and self-bloating

The feeling that the world revolves around me

The me-ness of it all

That which I felt as only superficial in that ICU bed

That which was in the front of

Not behind the feelings

Not the spirit within

Not the real Self

So back I go now

To the old and tried tools for recovery

The meditations and devotions

The ablutions and the prayer

The rituals that move

The immersions and baptisms

The song and connections to the brotherhood of fellows

The pilgrimage and confessions to the saints

No, I am not above this

Despite the fools errand of thought

Despite my new credentials

And near-death experience.

So humbling isn't it!

No free rides even now

After it all

No easy road to heaven

The toil and spiritual work begins anew

Like the New Year