Internalizing The Divine

Making the sovev connect to the p’nimi.

Wrapped in my tallis excluding the world outside,

Strapped by my tefillin in leather chains.

Standing in the space of the divine in this sanctuary/beis midrash

With other worshippers and the devout

Swaying at their stations, their shtenders,

Surrounded by the  transcendent divine.

Surrounded by the sovev kol almin.

All the spiritual opportunities are present.

The only challenge right now

Is finding the divine within…

Buried beneath the past (deceits betrayals, lies and addictions)

Lost inside a deep abdominal imagined ball of grief,

The inner serpentine voice demanding its due

The chattering monkey.

The inner kritik,

(Even Moshe strikes the rock you know! An Asherah tree for some)

My challenge remains to connect the sovev out there to the p’nimi in here.

The flawed broken soul resists,

Trapped as it is in the vice-ridden body.

Decades of revolt

Resistance to

Bending to

Bowing to

Dark authorities that controlled me.

The lost Princess (the p’nimi) screams

Her arms outstretched.

Beseeching “rescue me.”

Forgive me

Give me penitence.

Give me solace.

What is demanded each time?

Is more surrender.

Of the familiar

The routine

The comfortable

The old self must die.

And lose itself in a free fall.

Into the abyss of uncertainty

So frightening.

What is demanded each time?

Is faith, even harder, more trust, reliance,

That free falling will not end in a thud of death.

A crushing of everything this ego has born.

This biography this struggle, this failure.

Rather the trapdoor will indeed open

The path is always down down, down, into these painful dreaded spaces,

where the tears lubricate the narrow spaces,

In the grip of fear

Despite the vertigo of resentments,

Powerless in the face of this inner monster 

In the fall

In the blotte

The cry of Ayeh!

Help!

I surrender!

Nailed to the crucifix on my skeletal frame.

Finally, the bottom opens up.

And I fall into the sovev.