From the back of the car
my father (age 93),
spurts out these words,
out of nowhere,
driving back from Tiberias
my mother sitting beside him (age 90),
translates accurately, “where to now, O Lord”
laughingly, proudly,
“ I went to a convent, so I should know.”
she responds to his amazement,
they laugh. We laugh in amazement.
My twin sister sitting in the front next to me
remains baffled,
and I, in my ignorance,
feel ashamed that I did not locate this term
(I was by now familiar with most of his references)…
even now,
my father’s Greek and Latin skills,
trump all my reading, and attempts at classical self-education.
We are amazed that, at this age, they connect
in the world of Latin and Greek
today as equals.
And that we still have much to learn, even now
“Quo vadis Domine”
how apt
how perfect
for right now,
paralyzed by indecision
and fear,
again finding myself at another crossroads,
one too many
I stand.
“Where to now, O Lord?”
Torn apart by tradition
and the Law…
yet knowing nothing but what
my intuition tells me is real,
now feeling only much guilt for my hurt of others
razor edged by my sense of right and injustice
the inner Kritik turns against myself above all.
Fuming at authority,
wounds of youth, no doubt
drowning in love,
another, each day.
“where to now, O Lord?”
Right you were Jesus, or was it Paul?
to question the Almighty
as to “where now?”
what made my father utter these words
as we drove back from a mini vacation
a one day fling,
by the Sea of Galilee
as he dunked in the water
“mikveh, mikveh” I taunted him,
as he lowered his misnaged fragile frame
in the mild waters of the Kinneret,
reminding him of his new task
his gift to me
of a blessing written by his own pen
in ink…
{to calligraphy on “klaf”, on parchment,
blessings to his grand and great grandchildren
now his wishing to give me a gift of the same
a “priestly blessing”
requiring the use of the Tetragrammaton
requiring a “tvila” a baptism, by ritual law.}
Barely able to negotiate the rocks as we emerged
he seemed pleased with himself.
“Where to now, O Lord?”
These words ring in my ears
and Mum’s immediate response
and translation
of his Latin,
her “convent” Latin and prayers
forced on all colonial children of the Raj,
no matter what their creed
My ignorance as to the meaning of the words
humbles me
they still have secrets at this age
that we as children have not deciphered
yet the words resonate in my head and will not leave me.
“Whereto next, O Lord”
For them, the pleasure of new arrivals,
their 14th and 15th great grandchild this last week
my parents holding a new born in their arms
commenting on and stroking her silky black hair
Eugene’s first grand daughter Elisheva Tzipporah
they are so excited to hold the baby
Dad says the “the oldest and the youngest”
referring to himself
patriarch,
22 grandchildren plus 11 they married
15 great grandchildren
their pleasure tells it all
living each day
is sufficient
enough
life is good
survival from the horrors for this…is worthwhile.
but “Where to now, O Lord?”
As for me?
Ah there is a different meaning implied
lagging them by some 30 years
knowing full well
how they feel
how they live
how they struggle
for me?
well….
firstly is my issue with “Domine"
rebel that I am,
and that somehow the question begs an answer:
Torn as I am
between faith and doubt
certainty and the abyss
belief in a future
and realization that the divine is as much invested
in this failed experiment
called being human.
The Divine is a work in progress too (apikorus that I am)
Images surface of King Henry IV after the battle of Agincourt
a la Shakespeare,
come to mind…a different Domine
Richard Branagan playing Henry, (Henry V Act 4)
singing..
“Non Nobis Domine
Non nobis Domine
Sed nomine, sed nomine
Tuo da gloriam”
“Not to us, O LORD, not to us
but to your name be the glory,
because of your love and faithfulness.”
Psalm 1151
Swept away by the flourish
as by the good British cheer
the decency
the goodwill
the old boy charm
that only the British can muster
while killing French all the while.
But this Domine quote haunts me as I return home
it will not leave me,
for we are all being asked this
daily,
“Where to now O Lord?”
Christ, Christians, The Bombay convent, Mum and Dad, and all of us.
with or without the ‘Lord” part?
the question remains
the man is charged
an answer is demanded
from inside or above
it matters not.
The question haunts
the wound it exposes hurts
the answer remains an enigma.
My parents have no issue with the very quotation
as my in laws might,
they remain comfortable in that dual world
Dad in the classics of a Vienna gymnasium
Mum in the British Raj education,
only attainable in a Christian convent in Bombay around the 1930’s,
giving her access to the Cambridge matriculation
and allowing her passage to a London Royal college education
eventually.
But I come to realize the very irony
knowing the price and compromises this education entailed
the very compromise that resulted in their meeting and my birth
For I remain a product of their betrayal, unconscious of course,
each of their own tradition
Yet it energizes my very being,
it motivates my writing,
and precipitates my heresy
My very genetic code
the DNA of my spirituality
is marked and imprinted by their very
hunger to survive in a post Colonial and Post Holocaust world
by swimming in a deep deep compromise
with the very Tradition that spawned them.
In this quotation
and their very ease and comfort
and satisfaction in its recitation and translation
lies my discomfort
for it exposes the deep flaw
and fault line
in my soul.
It exposes the very core of my existential struggle
the very question
as to “where now?”
with or without the “Domine”
Do I go it alone?
or with the opium of religion
the comfort of the “Higher Power”?
No, Elisha ben Avuya chimes in my head
“leit din veleit dayan ”
he thunders
and no Rabbi Meir is present
to thwart his philosophical attack.
For he has drunk form the vines of Epicurus
who sees reality in cause and effect terms
in his Pardes (Paradiso) orchard where he mentors
between his home and his school.
And like Elisha,
I too have seen the young boys and girls climb the Halachic tree
at the behest of their (heavenly) F/father(s)
to rescue the poor chicklets
and “shoo away the mother bird”
only to fall to their death
in some Nazi camp
a million and a half times.
And I have seen the genocide continue
worsening with the technology of killing fields
and my very silence
lack of protest
voyeurism on TV and you tube
shock me even more.
We have learned nothing
forcing me now into this silence
and erasing the “Domine”
for a while now.
Thus bereft I can merely restate the question
Quo Vadis?
Quo Vadis?
For in the wasteland
that is the inner landscape of my soul
bereft of the rituals and comforts of faith and hope
I must face this question alone
without my parents faith
without the messianic relief in sight
claimed by Tradition
in the emptiness of seeing the future
as this inexorable move to technology
government invasion of privacy
killing fields beyond anything we imagined
cybernetic humans where the very humanity
is progressively dwarfed in quantum leaps.
What have I/we left our children?
My parents left me Domino
I leave my children pessimism, doubt, faithlessness,
the legacy of an Elisha
Epicurus?
In the wasteland of my soul
where decades of attempts to tame the beast within
and exposing the deep dark shadow
of the wounds of the inner child
have not changed my behavior
nor my triggered responses to those who know how to turn the knife.
Now realizing that all the reading
inner work
meditation
pilgrimage
mentoring
journalling
prayer
study
do not stop the clinking finger
the mouse
-leading me to momentary worlds of fantasy
and relief at such a price.
Knowing all this
facing all of this
surrendering to all fo this
“where to now?” I need a new theology for this cybernetic age
without the comforts and trappings of the old
No promises
No Messianic claims
No vertical wishful rescue ‘from above”
No promises of self-fulfillment through
this or that Rebbe
three day fasts
ablutions
confessions
self flagellations
rolling in ice,
but a closing together of souls
in a harmony of shared values
a resistance to machines
government
Rabbis and Priests
violent collectives
totalizing value systems
overbearing theories of truth
charismatic leaders
anything in uniform claiming to protect democracy
and a support of non-violence
privileging no one ideology over another
and a new sensitivity for the poor the downtrodden
and the underprivileged.
This is my Quo Vadis.
