He carried so much suffering
he was so tormented
and with this weight
with this past
he lived
despite
he was such a presence
his drawn cachectic eyes
and his face reminded me of Chagall's Rabbiner
etched in those very eyes were all of European misery
and it never left his consciousness
yet at times there was space for playfullness and mirth
"ehr lacht!" he would say of me
and his questions always challenged me,
so tied in with pshat and medieval trivia...
as a midrashic man he drove me crazy!
it was so hard for him to accommodate to Amerika
to the softness and the food
to the time for leisure
he was so stuck in Europe.
his deference for scholars and rebbes
was transmitted to his children
and his love, typically european
in his inability to express verbally or physically.
so now we remember him, his life, his his-story
as he embodies everything in transition for there to here
from the trauma to the silence of the present
from that tradition steeped in shtetl piety
to the openness of New York.
he was an essentially tragic man
which attracted me so much to him
and I felt my purpose to humor him and make him laugh
a little
just a little
and in my home
he could possibly let go a little
from the bonds of the lived life of pain
the body of suffering that inhabited his consciousness
without even him being able see it.
In Memoriam
to Reb Yudel
whom I shall miss as he walked into my home with his
characteristic gait and folded arms
into my arms for a wonderful bear hug.
I will miss that hug, most of all.
