Mostly I avoid the pain
buried in work and self
but now and then it surfaces
this violence we perpetrated
on our children
in the name of religion
and education
and morals
Mostly unacknowledged transmission of what we received
ourselves mostly stuff we got from our parents
the rage and anger all in the name of parenting of course.
So now when we meet
the sins of the fathers are evident in the lives of the sons
having sacrificed them on the altar of our expectations
hoping they might, no will not, mess up like we did
if only we push harder just a little
more piano practice, more talmud
"just finish shas and I will give you this or that"
any coercive gift
any seduction to achieve the goal
of mastery, of some status in another world long lost
or impress some bearded scholar.
Thinking-like my parents- that this will guarantee success
and survival hoping this will end up with a better outcome
like some statistical FDA study moving the variables a little
here and there to affect the outcome
and prove to the committee of its significance
and survive the financial drought with another grant.
In these moments
the guilt surfaces too
and the powerlessness of it all
now that all this has come to consciousness
as if we are so predetermined by our culture and parenthood
our archetypal roles as fathers
participating in some kind of mythic epic role as Abraham
and our sons as Isaac
a theatre that has played for thousands of years.
but the deed has been done
and they are off somewhere in some place working
through their pain and abuse in some far away city alone.
the deed always carries the burden of its residue despite
the pleading of the perpetrator and begging for forgiveness
it must work itself through the machinery of cause and effect
the neurons are damaged
the end plates fractured
the synapses forever distorted.
Only time will move things
jiggle those synapses
and eventual parenting.
As parents they will finally see themselves as I did
and realize the trap we are all in.
Only then
like with me
will they forgive and open the heart to compassion.
Until then I must live with this
and carry this burden
and watch them from afar
in grief for what I have done
in holy pursuit of God texts and piety.
